Saturday, November 20, 2010

Managing Disappointment, Part One


I really dislike letting people down. Because I tend to be a reliable, stable, dependable person, it hits me hard when I come up short. And sometimes it’s just unavoidable.

It’s an inescapable reality both because I have faults and I’m not perfect; but it’s also due to the fact that I can’t control the world around me as much as I like to pretend I do.

Because of that, a few weeks ago I had to make a heart-wrenching phone call. Months ago, I had arranged for my students to go to Mexico for a mission trip and stay with an organization that I love in Ensenada. We were going to help build a second story onto a church building that exists because my youth group has been a faithful partner with them for ten years. We planned to do community outreach and show tangible love to the children of that impoverished neighborhood.

But there has been a growing amount of violence in Baja California, and the time came when my leadership team decided it just wasn’t safe to take teenagers across the border. The painful phone call I made was to tell my beloved ministry friends at Rancho Agua Viva that even though they were expecting us in 11 days, we wouldn’t be coming. It caught them by surprise and I was aware that my phone call had dramatically changed how they planned to spend a week of their lives. We talked through how to communicate this to the pastor of that church that was now going to have to wait for that second story on his building; I tried to emphasize just how much I regretted having to give this news, but I just didn’t have the words to tell them how hard it is to say no to being with them.

I know without a doubt that making that phone call was the right thing to do, and I shouldn’t bear the weight of disappointing them. But I still heft that burden onto my own shoulders, because I feel that someone must carry it. How tragic and irresponsible it would be if I were flippant about the impact that news carries with it. YET…the way I manage my disappointment in having to call is to know that the call MUST be made. Someone must be strong and have the courage to do a task that no one wants; so I picked up my phone, and as an act of love to my friends in Mexico and in Walnut Creek, I called with bad news. 

Friday, November 12, 2010

Living Into Unpredictability


It’s a feeling I’ve only experienced four times. It happens when I peel the wrapping off a new journal. I sit it next to old one and find myself surprised at how white the pages of the new one look. The old journal has walked through six or seventh months of life with me, and somehow has become beat up, yellowed, dented and in some cases torn.

But doesn’t that make sense? If the journal is capturing my life and thoughts, shouldn’t it carry the same kind of battle wounds it feels like I’ve had?

I think what excites me about the new journal is looking at the potential of what that book will contain; it represents the next six months of my thoughts, experiences and life. It makes me wonder what new insights will come in the next season.

Also, there is something about holding a completed journal and knowing that the last six months were real and tangible. It’s a confirmation of my growth and development, and perhaps most importantly, insight into who I am. As I flip back through the completed journal, I see prayers, sermon notes, joys, frustrations, quotes from friends and authors, reflections on my daily life and tremendous vulnerability at committing my feelings into words.

This rare feeling that comes with that new potential makes me wonder, where else is that available in my life? So much of what I do feels routine (because I thrive on routine) and maybe that gets in the way of seeing promise in the future. I love the journal because its impending contents are unpredictable. Maybe what I need is to let go of my routine and live into the unpredictable.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

How Speeding Tickets Are Like Life

I’m pretty good at getting out of tickets. I know how to talk to a police officer. I just had a stretch of being pulled over 11 times without getting one ticket. About a year ago, the officer thanked ME before getting back into his car.


But highway patrolmen are a totally different thing.

Consequently, back in July I got a ticket on Highway 17 just north of Santa Cruz. Like so many other people, the first thing I did when that officer was out of range was to look over the ticket and see if he’d made a mistake anywhere. Maybe he misspelled my name or wrote down my license number wrong. I immediately looked for a way to fight this ticket.

Of course, I’m sure we’ve all heard the different ways to get out of a ticket. If you take it to court, the officer won’t show up. If there’s a mistake in the filing, you can get out of it. My first inclination was to try and find a loophole, even though I knew exactly what I was doing when I set my cruise control over the limit.

What is it about us that inherently thinks that things like speeding tickets are something we ought to fight? I was definitely driving over the limit and I clearly got caught; so why am I so quick to think this is something I can escape? Even though the mistake was mine, I wanted to find a way to make the officer at fault in order to excuse my error.

I wonder, is this something I do everywhere in my life? Do I seek to pass responsibility or blame onto others, or onto my circumstances? The problem really isn’t whether I’m doing the wrong thing, it’s that I’m so prone to trying to excuse my own behavior, even when I knew from the start that I was in the wrong. Loopholes are often my savior, and frankly, I need to unlearn how to talk my way out of tickets. So, instead of fighting this ticket, I’ve decided to pay it. And now that I’m $225 poorer, I might actually start driving slower instead of relying on my ability to talk my way out of a problem.