My best friend was recently asked to preside over a ceremony where his grandparents renewed their marriage vows. They’ve been married 60 years. 60 YEARS! That is entirely beyond my comprehension.
As part of his preparation he asked close friends to write a sentence or two describing what we think it takes to make it 60 long years with someone.
I pondered my response. I wanted to say something better than commitment; we all know that you don’t make it to 60 without steadfastly standing by your promise. I wanted to say something more profound than compromise. Of course marriage requires that and 60 years necessitates more than most; but somehow that just didn’t seem to encapsulate what I thought would be hardest. Compromise seems to describe decisions and conflict but not the day to day.
After some thought, I came up with this: it takes a willingness to be inconvenienced.
I realize that seems like a foolish response, almost insignificant. Surely a good marriage is more than being inconvenienced.
But I said that because frankly, I’ve found that being inconvenienced is one of the things that happens most in my close relationships. Being married, choosing to live with someone and share your most intimate space with them…you will invariably run up against them being in the way as if there were a redwood growing in your living room. It’s unavoidable and everything must account for that presence. They’re in the shower when you want to use it, they left something on the floor of the room AGAIN, they aren’t ready to go to dinner while you’re in the car starving…inconveniences.
I chose this one to share with my friend because I believe that is what is at the heart of all my best relationships. I don’t really want to help someone move into a new apartment, but I choose to be inconvenienced. I don’t necessarily want to sit with someone dealing with grief, but I choose to be inconvenienced. I don’t particularly want to help my friend process through that same break up again, but I choose to be inconvenienced.
Why do I choose that?
Because that’s what love looks like in the day to day. Allowing someone into your space enough that you cannot avoid what they want and what’s best for them. And it means they’ve let you in enough that you too are an inconvenience.
Yet, for some reason, they love you more than the inconvenience.
I'd have to say that's what parenting is all about as well. About the last thing I wanted to do at 5.45 this morning was get out of my nice warm bed, pour cereal, make a sack lunch, and supervise the morning ablutions of an 8 year-old. My friend who has a newborn at home certainly didn't leap up with enthusiasm to change his ninth wet diaper of the day. There are few things less convenient than having a busy workday interrupted by a call from the school office telling you, "Your daughter just threw up. Please come take her home." But, as in marriage, parenting is all about reconsidering priorities. I definitely love my daughter more than I loathe the inconvenience...well, most of the time...
ReplyDelete